Juno

I forgot to mention Juno in my last ramble.

 I saw it late this afternoon after leaving campus and enjoyed it thoroughly.  

I understand I no longer am an avid consumer in the world of indie films and music like I once was, but somethings are terribly persuasive.  Watching Juno made me miss the world I was once a part of, but I have doubts it will be a catalyst for revival. 

I have a ridiculous crush on Michael Cera after seeing Superbad and Juno, but after becoming aware of his age, I feel as if this crush is improper.  If I were a male, it’d not make much of a difference, but I’m 1. Female and he’s 2. 19.

You know what?  I am going to continue the crush because it’s not like it’s illegal.  And it is incredibly unlikely that our paths will ever cross and less unlikely that he and I will ever develop any sort of relationship.  So, now, with complete sincerity and confidence I can say that Michael Cera is one hot piece of ass.  Or at least his characters are.  If they’re nerdy/geeky and isolated.  And if they sing.  I basically want to lose my virginithy to him.  If I still had it.  Is that clear or does it require further explanation?  I guess I wish I had an awkward, shy first experience rather than

… well.  This isn’t where I originally planned this to go

I also have a bit of a crush on Ellen Page.  Did anyone else think she resembled Jennifer Connelly a bit? I’ve always found Connelly devastatingly gorgeous and found myself mesmerized at times when I noticed the similarities during the film.  Aside from looks, the movie itself was marvelous.  It feels like forever since I’ve seen a proper film.  Something not bleeding HOLLYWOOD.  I liked the soundtrack, but was slightly irritated when they gave away my preferred cover of Superstar by the Carpenters.  I wanted to keep it for myself and a special few.  I’ve adored it for years, but now I feel like a bit of me has been exposed to the masses.  Or the masses who have seen Juno. 

Soundtracks are always important. 

I’m out of touch with that film and music world I was once a part of.  My humanitarian goals are taking over.  I miss that world a bit.  I am still not positive that I don’t belong in it.  I want to keep a hand or at least a fingertip in, just in case. Heh, in my understanding that my goals should not be selfish and self-serving, I’ve attempted to brush off interests in directing, acting, screenwriting, poetry, performance, etc.  But if I want to reach the masses, how else will I do it?  That is something I will figure out–hopefully within the decade. 

My desire to not be selfish is not the only reason I no longer saturate myself with popular nonmainstream films and music.  I also find that I leave a theatre feeling ripped a part.  I felt it tonight after Juno.  It doesn’t matter if the movie has a happy or sad ending, I just feel raw once exiting.  Like I’ve been processed by a meat grinder.  At this point, I am not sure if that is good or bad.  I am sure valid arguments could be brought up for either. 

On my drive home today I realized I am becoming an adult.  I felt a tide within me that is quite powerful.  I also thought of it as a wave train.  I imagined it creeping up in waves and becoming stronger and stronger.  I realize I am slowly becoming responsible for myself.  The child in me is fading.  Part of me doesn’t want to let go, but what else can I do?  I know that the child in me could never achieve true greatness, because, from experience, it has proved itself quite irresponsible.   

This change I noticed stirred me.  Deeply.  I couldn’t shake the idea all the way home.

When I am in my thoughts, I have a desire to thank someone.  Thanking myself doesn’t work.  It’s not enough.  I wonder if that might have something to do with how religion was invented or if it has something to do with the religious conditioning I had in my early stages.

I hate to babble.

The end.

Guess who made the Dean’s List

THAT’S GOD DAMNED RIGHT

ME

Wheeeee

hahaha, Screwdrivers on the house.  Want something else?  Too fucking bad.  This is my party, cumrags!  Bwahahaha

Sorry, I got into the liquor cabinet early.  I’ll compose myself. 

I got a letter today from the Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences at my university stating I made the Dean’s List of Scholars along with some other hogwash.  I got excited because now I actually have some physical proof that I actually accomplished something last semester.  Along with the good news was a letter that killed my Happy Buzz stating, once again, we owe some ridiculous amount of money because 1/3 of the rent wasn’t paid in October of last year.  Max and I have checked our bank statements and everything looks kosher, so we presume it is their error.  Unfortunately, our 3rd housemate is MIA, as usual, so we can’t really consult with him.  Normal people would think to call or message him, but my attempts have been in vain.  I guess I stopped existing in Rawlins world of video games and Chef Boyardee sometime in December.

A part of me still questions my stability and happiness.  I’m not used to feeling good about myself and what I’ve accomplished.  That part still wonders if this is a dream bubble I am living in that will burst at any given second.  But, with time, I’m slowly easing into it–like a comfortable piece of furniture.  I am molding myself with it, or it with me, and with every day the fit becomes more and more precise. 

Sometimes I lay in bed, when I am not terribly exhausted and fall into immediate sleep, and I think about life.  There was a time when that period before sleep was saturated with exhausting ideas of what I should be doing or what I failed to complete.  Those thoughts stressed me out quite a bit and I found it hard to find sleep.  I no longer have that problem and I actually didn’t realize it until just now.  I’m not always conscious of it, but during special times of lucidity, I realize I am functioning as a healthy person.  Maybe that sounds odd to some of you, or perhaps some ask themselves “What is a healthy person?”.  I could look up an answer and paste it, but at this point I will just say that I can tell the differences within myself and I know.  I’m sorry that’s very vague.  It reminds me of that answer:  “I know God exists because I feel it.”  I could very well go into detail about the changes in my behavior, but I think it’s quite evident if you’re at all familiar with past blog entries.  That was my “to make a long story short” of it.  Not happy?  Contact me.  I’ll provide you with enough links to keep you busy for a week.

I also know there is still much that needs fixing, but I am on the right track.  So far, I’ve proved to myself that I am worthy of my trust and that allows me to make goals with the knowledge that they will be achieved.   

I want to name this feeling inside me something other than ‘happiness’.  Whatever this is, it is in the trunk of my body–within my chest and my stomach.  I don’t know how to describe it unless I relate it to the effects of some drugs.  And everyone can’t relate to that.  It is a force, though.  It seems like my body is just a vessel.  It feels powerful but repressed.  I understand I have some control.  My fear is in it being dispersed at once and losing it because I think this energy/force/whatever is what is aiding my success. 

This is a bit of a conversation with a depressed friend I’m attempting while composing this:

Jenka Potente: I wish I could break off a piece of how good I feel about myself and about life and share with you
Friend: aw
Jenka Potente: I dream of writing something someday that clicks with the masses and inspires them to act in unison for the benefit of all humanity

That last statement has really made me think

…

I <3 Personality Tests

Personality Test

What an ego boost.  I posted the results once before on my myspace blog, but this explanation is slightly varied.

This one is offered by Keirsey.com:

The Portait of the Champion (ENFP)

The Champion Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in accomplishing their aims, and informative and expressive when relating with others. For Champions, nothing occurs which does not have some deep ethical significance, and this, coupled with their uncanny sense of the motivations of others, gives them a talent for seeing life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil. This type is found in only about 3 percent of the general population, but they have great influence because of their extraordinary impact on others. Champions are inclined to go everywhere and look into everything that has to do with the advance of good and the retreat of evil in the world. They can’t bear to miss out on what is going on around them; they must experience, first hand, all the significant social events that affect our lives. And then they are eager to relate the stories they’ve uncovered, hoping to disclose the “truth” of people and issues, and to advocate causes. This strong drive to unveil current events can make them tireless in conversing with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out.

Champions consider intense emotional experiences as being vital to a full life, although they can never quite shake the feeling that a part of themselves is split off, uninvolved in the experience. Thus, while they strive for emotional congruency, they often see themselves in some danger of losing touch with their real feelings, which Champions possess in a wide range and variety. In the same vein, Champions strive toward a kind of spontaneous personal authenticity, and this intention always to “be themselves” is usually communicated nonverbally to others, who find it quite attractive. All too often, however, Champions fall short in their efforts to be authentic, and they tend to heap coals of fire on themselves, berating themselves for the slightest self-conscious role-playing.

Joan Baez, Phil Donahue, Paul Robeson, Bill Moyer, Elizibeth Cady Stanton, Joeseph Campbell, Edith Wharton, Sargent Shriver, Charles Dickens, and Upton Sinclair are examples of Idealist Champions

IDEALIST NFs, being ABSTRACT in communicating and COOPERATIVE in implementing goals, can become highly skilled in DIPLOMATIC INTEGRATION. Thus their most practiced and developed intelligent operations are usually teaching and counseling (NFJ mentoring), or conferring and tutoring (NFP advocating). And they would if they could be sages in one of these forms of social development. The Idealist temperament have an instinct for interpersonal integration, learn ethics with ever increasing zeal, sometimes become diplomatic leaders, and often speak interpretively and metaphorically of the abstract world of their imagination.

They are proud of themselves in the degree they are empathic in action, respect themselves in the degree they are benevolent, and feel confident of themselves in the degree they are authentic. Idealist types search for their unique identity, hunger for deep and meaningful relationships, wish for a little romance each day, trust their intuitive feelings implicitly, aspire for profundity. This is the “Identity Seeking Personality” — credulous about the future, mystical about the past, and their preferred time and place are the future and the pathway. Educationally they go for the humanities, avocationally for ethics, and vocationally for personnel work.

Social relationships: In their family interactions they strive for mutuality, provide spiritual intimacy for the mates, opportunity for fantasy for their children, and for themselves continuous self-renewal. Idealists do not abound, being as few as 8% and nor more than 10% of the population.

Do you guys need any more proof that I am going to be the next Gandhi?

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world.  Indeed it is the only thing that ever has.” –Margaret Mead.

Help! Grammarians, Philosophers, and general argumentative assholes!

Preface: I’ve already posted one, but in my Introduction to Religious Studies course we have to create one page arguments every week based on our chapter readings. Let me emphasize ONE PAGE, and I am having difficulty composing something sturdy within 250 words. I’ve always loathed persuasive essays and never thought I could excel in it. I actually hoped I could manage a handful of doctorates without ever having to compose one. HA. Jokes aside, any help would be appreciated–even if it’s just a link to a site that provides short, solid, ACADEMIC arguments. Actually, that might be preferred, because I don’t really wish to have my thoughts torn to pieces. I’m sensitive like that. I just reeeeally want an A in all my classes.

Also, my theses are inspired by the chapters and don’t necessarily reflect my actual beliefs. So, don’t go thinking I’m a nutcase if I ever say something silly at some point reminiscent to socialist and communist thinkers that have come before me (Though, I never claimed to be a Capitalist. Hmm…*scratches chin*).

CRQ 2: The Individual Versus Society

“Human beings are never just individuals; they always belong to something.”
Daniel L. Pals, Eight Theories of Religion

It is not difficult to agree with Emile Durkheim’s idea that every major enterprise of human life exists because of society when examples of humans belonging to families, villages, nations, political parties, or other groups are provided. The idea that one’s very own surname ties him to not only an immediate family, but an elaborate `tree’ of ancestors that generally grows more and more intricate with every passing generation expresses how no one person ever existed without those that came before him. Considering this, the idea of individuality becomes elective and egoistic—hardly vital to the function of the system which sustains the individual.

The pervasive Western ideal of individuality is corrosive not only to the progression of our society but to the progression of the self. A person
attempting to affiliate himself with the polar concepts of individuality and sociality simultaneously will be faced with some difficulty. One of the trends Durkheim noticed after the Industrial and French revolutions is in the area of personal affairs: “This new freedom of individuals released from their old frameworks presented great opportunity and great risk. With it came the chance of great prosperity and self-realization but also the threat of loneliness and personal isolation.”

Just like an entire life spent in isolation is deemed unhealthy by western standards, a life spent in aim to achieve goals that only aid the self is an unwholesome conquest. It takes at least two forces to create one life, and if that life does not wield those forces so that more than one benefits, then a portion of the provided energy is lost. That lost energy amasses with every life that follows suit and creates a massive waste. For a society or an individual to progress, it must build upon its foundation through technology, and that requires knowledge provided to it by more than what one person can accumulate on his own.

There is no place to hide

FROM CHRISTIANS.

I wasn’t even hiding.

Today, after breakfast, I sat outside at a table and enjoyed a cigarette.  Once I finished, I got out my Cultural Anthropoloy textbook and pulled out my cell phone to keep an eye on the time.  I had about 45 minutes to read my assigned chapter and get to Russian class.  I knew I had plenty of time to complete the chapter and reflect because it was rather short.  16 minutes into my reading, an older gentleman walked up behind me and asked, “Studying hard?”  “Well, yes, of course.”   “What are you studying?” “Anthropology.”  “Ah, yes, the study of man.” “The study of humans,” I replied with slight disdain.  I attempted to get back to my reading, but I quickly realized he wasn’t going to let me after he sat himself down beside me.  Without even being polite enough to ask if it was available, might I add.  (The nerve of these people.  Their tunnel vision is so great that it depletes them of their ability to be considerate, polite, civilized individuals.)

But anyhow, enough of my bias.  Let’s discuss his.

He didn’t take long to reveal his agenda.  I felt it coming in the air tonight – or this morning.  He started his disjointed question by mentioning something about popular religions and conducting a survey.  I thought this might be fun and interesting.  I LIKE SURVEYS.  But then he segued (rather poorly) into something along these lines:  If you were standing before God, what would you say to avoid going to hell?

Whoa. WHOA.

(I KNEW I SMELLED A CHRISTIAN!@@#*@!)

What the hell?  Christ, couldn’t he have finessed his hidden (or not so) agenda a bit?  Is that too much to ask?

I get irked when people answer a question with a question, but he forced me to.

“What perspective are you asking from?”

“Any perspective”

“Uh, you can’t ask it like that.  Some religions don’t even believe in hell.  Some believe you can’t speak directly to God.  And others don’t even have a God or have more than one god.”

I could tell he didn’t want to say he wanted the reply from  a Christian perspective.   I pretty much had him fumbling all over himself until he asked another question about what my thoughts are on Jesus Christ.

I went on to say I think he was a charismatic, influential figure/prophet who will probably be remembered and written about for possibly several more millenia.

He didn’t like that very much.  He also didn’t like me comparing Jesus to The Buddha, Confucious, Martin Luther King, and he REALLY didn’t like me comparing him to the prophet Muhammad.

I started enjoying this conversation a bit, especially when he proclaimed Catholics aren’t Christians and that there’s is a religion unto themselves.  And he separated Protestantism as well, saying they believe good works get you into heaven.  Last I checked, that was reversed.

After getting under his skin some more he attempted to argue that Jesus is unique.  He is unique because he was the only one of those figures who said he was the son of God.  But he didn’t go far down that road because I think he realized that wasn’t gonna get me anywhere with him.  Unless he wanted me to tell him right then and there that I am Zoroaster reincarnated or that Jesus actually sent me, a hispanic female as his stand-in/understudy – Lawl (lol).

He at one point even asked me if I thought what Hitler did was right.   I don’t know where he was going with that, but that argument also faded as quickly as it was commenced.

After looking at my clock and seeing it was past 30 minutes after, I said I had to get to class because that bastard interrupted my reading.

He got up and handed me a cd.  He said, “Here, listen to this.  It’s about all the world religions.”

I looked at it carefully and read the text: The Uniqueness of Christianity.

“All religions?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, bye.”

I wanted to throw it inside the nearest receptacle, but something within me kept me from doing it.  My curiosity, I suppose.  I just wanted to prove him wrong.

I went to the library and started playing it.  I only got to listen to about 5 minutes but within those 5 minutes it was quite evident this was not an objective account of world religions.  The man speaking on the audio cd started his lecture stating that in regards to religion Christianity has no competition.  And that other religions are wrong and he backed it up (yeah right) with: In mathematics, there might be many ways to arrive at a solution that is close to the right answer, but there is only one right answer.  Uh…excuse me?  From what I recall, and some of you know mathematics isn’t my forte(pout), but there are many times when you can use different formulae/methods to arrive at the right answer.

I  quickly pulled the cd out and put it in my bag, satisfied with the knowledge that a Christian just pulled a car salesman lie on me.  But according to his beliefs, he’s still going to heaven.

Shame on him.

I need some help in the not sucking department

 Many cultures from around the world, past and present, have a figure or figures that are revered because of their understanding of how things work.  Daniel L. Pals states in Eight Theories of Religion, “Evidence from around the globe supports the conclusion that among tribal peoples, nothing is more common than for the magician to be also the village chieftain or king”.  In primal and archaic cultures terms for these figures are as follows: shaman, priest, Brahmin, guru, et cetera.  In current culture they can be teacher, doctor, parent, counselor or a host of others.     

 It is not just in religious matters, but in everyday, common matters that one finds people exalting individuals because of their ability to comprehend, synthesize, and expel complicated ideas in a manner the masses can grasp.  These individuals are the ones people go to when they have questions of ultimate concern, whether they are religious or secular.      

These individuals are trusted and relied upon because they have proved themselves in their area of expertise.  These esteemed persons prove themselves in various ways, though not always in the comforting logical sense of ratification.  It can be done through awe-inducing wonder like magicians or shamans do, by recitation of a wealth of knowledge like lawyers or historians do, and it can be done by mere persuasion like political aspirants do.     

Though the degree to which their answers are questioned differs between groups, it is evident that these individuals are venerated for at least some period of time. 

To be continued…

I require a round of applause

Wheee!  Guess who got her beloved 4.0?  Me! 

Happy dance ensues.

I’m not a total hack.  I set out to improve my grades and did better than I first imagined, so I had to set higher goals.  Since I can’t do better than a 4.0, now I will have to complicate things by maintaining it as well as tackling extracurricular activities and perhaps even–gasp–spending time with friends.  I plan on cutting back on work and actually getting one day off a week this semester (I hope it doesn’t spoil me).

I also need to start exercising again.  I miss being anal about what I put into my body.  I was spiraling healthwise especially toward the end of the semester.  I’d like to drink no more than once a week.  And…smoking…I can’t give up everything at once!  Give me my cigarettes, please!  Just one or two a day.  

I don’t know how I made it.  Probably passing out each night in a drunken stupor.  Also, thinking of winter break and being able to visit my family helped as well. 

On Christmas Eve I left my apartment at 5AM and started on my way to Atlanta.  I got there by 1:30 after some pitstops, shopping, and eyebrow waxing.  Dear Nina wet herself at the sight of me.  Thankfully, I didn’t step in the puddle.  Katya was aloof as always and definitely packed on her share of holiday weight.  I got plenty of hugs and kisses and handed out presents.  My parents and I then promptly made our way out the door for the 8 hour drive to Fort Knox, Kentucky.  They handed me my gift and I was elated.  Cash.  Bless their hearts.  We got to Kentucky around 10:30 and my 2 year old niece was already in bed so we went to bed as well.  I was the first one up on Christmas morn, knocking on my brother’s door with a cigarette in one hand and Crime and Punishment in the other.  No one answered, so I took another drag and walked back over to the house we were staying in.  We came back an hour later and said our Merry Christmases.  Kathryn walked out with bedhead in her purple Disney blanket sleeper.  Disoriented she ran into the kitchen looking for mommy and the rest of us just watched her, noticing how big she’d gotten.  She wasn’t even remotely interested in opening presents.  We had to shove them in her little face.  It took about 2 hours for her to go through them all.  There were many, but it took long mostly because she ripped the paper one square inch at a time. 

The days were mostly lazy, centered around playing with Kathryn and loving her up.  She’s such a doll, and I’m not saying that just because she looks like a mini-me. 

The holiday did me a lot of good.  It was also a detox from that nasty drinking habit I picked up.  Unfortunately, I picked up the flu on New Year’s Eve as well and didn’t recover fully until today.  It dehydrated me quite a bit.  I’m back in Atlanta now spending time at my parent’s home.  I need to put my focus back on school and excelling.  I’m quite proud of myself.  I can’t wait to start the new semester on Monday.

 Here’s to keeping the momentum going

 Cheers!