I think I need help.

So, I’ve been known to have an acerbic tongue.  The worst part is, I don’t realize how foul some of the things I say are until after I say them(usually after someone has pointed it out to me).  When it’s spoken, I think it’s a matter of not thinking.  But if it’s written, I KNOW thought goes into it before typing/writing it so I don’t know how to explain it then. 

It is a matter of miscommunication and I have never really concerned myself terribly with it because those who misunderstood me didn’t matter much to me. 

Today, I became quite concerned.  My professor of Religious Studies actually commented on something I said saying basically that I should communicate my message differently because it wasn’t a good way of getting what I wanted.  Even after he said it wasn’t a ‘big deal’ to him, I still felt horribly.  I felt like a dog with its tail between its legs.  I attempted to clarify myself in my response and hoped he understood I by no means meant to be offensive in my original e-mail. 

He, I think, at one point asked if I understood what I was communicating and I had to reply ‘no’.  I sat in front of my reply for 10 minutes with mixed emotions of feeling upset, chided, misunderstood, and…alienated.  I felt like I could cry over the whole situation(this is amusing because despite my being known to be acerbic/cantankerous, I often shed tears quite easily).  My lowest grade is in his class and I have a sinking feeling I will not manage an A in his course.  This is really crushing for me because it’s not because I am slacking.  I have attended every class(sans 1 because I fractured my toe), done all the readings, and the homework.  But this is not enough.   He is requiring something of me that I have not be required before and his refusal to aid in the transition process is very frustrating.  I feel like I am making a horrible impression on him.  And it’s possible he may not think I am as serious of a student as the others who are actual Religious Studies Majors. 

I don’t know why I am struggling so.  I find him likable.  But I think I’d prefer to have a conversation about Religious Studies with him than be taught by him.  I chose to minor in RS because of the profound impact DeChant had during my semester in his class.  I now find myself missing him greatly.  There was something about his lectures and his style that fueled and nurtured my learning process.  It was not the content, but his interpretation of the content that revitalized my interest in the academic study of religion.  Unfortunately, with this class,  that interest is more comparable to a dying ember. 

I will trudge through this class as best as possible and lower my expectations of myself(in just this class) so that I do not have an emotional breakdown over not getting my A once the semester ends.  I find myself wishing his goal was to help his students grasp the important points rather than to reward those that naturally do and just leave the rest of us behind. 

I feel like this is karma teaching me that I won’t always be a top tier performer and that I need to stop putting my foot in my mouth. 

I wish I could just study under DeChant for the rest of my collegiate career.  I hope I can still work with him in a seminar even though I may never get the appropriate GPA.   I am going to have to kick ass in his class this summer, which I am prepared to do, and will happen (crossed fingers) since I already know his teaching style favors my learning style(unlike my current professor’s)

On that note, I will look forward to my summer classes(which BETTER be offered despite budget cuts) and the cessation of the classes I am actually acing.  And I will look  forward to my weekend.  Which starts once I hit ‘Log off’. 

Okay, I need a cigarette.  Poka! (Informal ‘Bye’)