Dreamers of Dreams

“manipulation must stop
otherwise you suffer the malady of untruth
and distrust
people’s hearts aren’t just fantasies
they’re fantasies as realities
they’re these incredibly dreamy things
located right in real time”

I sink because of you, but also,
I float because of you.

Sometimes I think of academia as a sort of lofty entity unto itself.
Sui generis
(a term I am using for academia I learned only because of academia)
Well, you can receive an education anywhere, in various forms, but not in that special prepackaged academia way, rich in history and tradition (of the academic sort).

There was a reason I mentioned this.
Ahh, the importance of comparison.
Comparative studies aren’t always popular, but comparison is something we cannot avoid.
We do comparison, even without acknowledging it, all the time.
I bring this up because comparison allows us to become aware of norms (and it was brought up in class recently which gave me a sort of lightbulb moment).

Without being aware of the bad, we could never have the joy of knowing the good.
That comes at a cost. The cost is being conscious of those negatives–being tested by them when they’ve come to the forefront of your mind.

So, I sigh. I sigh for many reasons:
I sigh because verbalizing the mess in my head is often a burdensome task;
I sigh because it is a small release of tensions;
I sigh because I’m in love
and sometimes it hurts more than it elates
which is a notion I get only when hurting.

My new year has been leagues better than the end of my 2008, despite some rough patches.
I feel an incredible lightness in spirit tonight.
I feel love, and it’s all warm and fuzzy,
even bubbly.
Effervescent as it may be, carbonation doesn’t last forever.

reduce, reuse, recycle

Heh. I’m pretty idealistic. I have this belief that humans are pretty much capable of anything we dream up. I guess I am a proper product of socialization. I am a part of a collective consciousness that believes this as well. I am NOT UNIQUE.

So, we dreamers of dreams are faced with the task of making reality of our fantasies. Not so easy. But if we don’t, we have to accept our dreams are just that–Dreams.

I refuse.

I sink because of you, but also,
I float because of you.

Thank you

Procrastination

I’ve never been incredibly organized.  In fact, most of my life, if not all of it, has been disheveled.  The only order found within it is established by someone or something else: curricula, online banking, seasonal change, the solar system, menstruation (okay, that’s fairly erratic, too), alarm clocks, e-mails…

I have trouble focusing.  I should be studying for finals.

I haven’t done my best this semester.  I woke up two pounds lighter.  My mass seems to be disappearing, though it’s not really visible to me.

I feel so exhausted.  I have no passion for my schoolwork right now.  I feel like I’m wronging myself by not being passionate about such great subjects.  I’m learning so many great things but I’m not absorbing them properly.   I want to say I lost interest somewhere in the middle of this semester, but I fear it might have happened before that.  Maybe as early as last spring.  But there is nothing I can really do about it.  Next semester will be my most difficult load of credits.  It’s like I’m going downhill on a bicycle and my break pads are worn out.   I’m rushing toward the end I planned long ago, but I’m not in control right now.

I’ve heard of ‘senoritis’, could this be it? I’m not sure of its symptoms.   I’m struggling to find happiness elsewhere and it’s just not happening.  It feels like nothing’s right right now.  I want this winter break so badly.  I want to see my future lucidly.   My finish line is somehow blurred.  I had a plan for the summer of ’09, but now I’m not certain it will happen.  Other factors aren’t working with me, creating obstacles that will be troublesome to overcome.  Everything seems so easy when I envision and plan it, but with reality comes obstacles.

In an attempt to not be completely dreary, my savings account is growing.   There is something very pleasing about having reality align with one’s goals.  I hope my plans won’t be crucially altered for how it will be spent once I graduate.

The comfort of a security blanket is taken for granted with age.
In youth, one holds on to it so dearly, as if in every moment
there is a consciousness
of its importance.

With maturity, the tangibility of the material is reduced–
dulled by our neglect.
Perhaps this is a virtue, such as within a belief system like Buddhism
where detachment is lauded.
This is of no comfort to the rogue who is the affiliate of no one, organized system.

Where is peace to be found
if not within a mantra or a prayer?
Where is sacred space to be found
without encroaching upon the space of another?
Where is the holy to be found
when it is inconstant and ill-defined for one whose beliefs
are inconstant and ill-defined?

Perhaps it is not so tragic
to be like the shifting land masses;
to be like the tectonic plates, undulating
and grinding beneath the earth’s epidermis
giving birth to new forms,
proliferating the species.

Why then, is the inconstancy of human personality
illness
When the variability of our planet is prolific?

What happens when you spend 14 hours in bed?

It could involve some sleeping, but mostly it’s tossing and turning.  Cold sweats may occur.  Tears may flow.  Aching and restlessness overwhelm.
And when daylight breaks, the angles of light that pour in from between spaces in the blinds may become of interest, as well as their inconsistencies and patterns.
Then the gaze may shift to the more evenly lit, but dim spaces on the ceiling and walls, and to their topography.

And at some point comes the realization you’ve spent 14 hours in bed.  And that none of your addictions have been successful so far as to bring you out of your stupor.

Awful thoughts stir, even more than had been stirring before.  Painful dormant memories resurface and sleeping away the hurt isn’t so easy anymore.

So the option to rise finally becomes more bearable than the option to lie.

Taken

It seems like I only ever come here to write when I am troubled. Well, so be it. I tried to sleep but the sleeping was more like sobbing into my pillow and if you know anything about that, you know it’s really impossible to sleep on a sopping pillow.

I’ve encountered a new feeling lately. I try not to think about it much because it brings about an awful feeling in me and it’s difficult to shake off. I have this goal I’ve been working toward for just over a year, you know (if you’ve been reading along). I will finally be completing it next summer, which is wonderful, but now I see my future after it completely black. I feel like there’s just a very dark precipice ahead of me. It’s discomforting.

I feel like I’ve lost my will to keep moving ahead of that. I don’t know what to do with myself now.

I’ve been feeling really weak as of late and I haven’t been able to focus on work. I have this nervous feeling that makes me sick to my stomach.

I want to plan for grad school but my desire seems to have disappeared.

I wish I wasn’t this sad
and that it didn’t ache so much
I want to ask Santa for an Off switch for my tears.

~

Beneath the canopy of luminescent
white linen the outer sphere is obscured;
We keep looking toward the edges, but
become blind within our beloved domain.

I planted seeds in the garden,
but it was autumn and no one told me.
I planted seeds in the garden,
but I only saw the soil.

on the road to enlightenment

Goodness, it’s been so long this box no longer even feels like home.  How could I have forsaken you!

I’ve been so focused in my studies I haven’t taken the time to reflect upon what I’ve learned.  I get so tired, mentally, I just want to waste my free time away on things that don’t involve much critical thinking.

I’ve been fairly isolated.  I ventured out with a couple old friends a few weeks back and partook in activities I had not done in at least a year.  It was very strange.  I did a lot of talking and thinking as I always did, but I felt uncomfortable.  I had trouble engaging my peers and I preferred writing my ideas out in general concepts. When I read what I’d written, it was pretty much a review of topics covered in my classes.

What I tapped into during this altered experience just reified how focused I am within academia.  Sometimes it seems like I’m one of those “all or nothing” people.  The more I know myself, the less it seems that I am a multitasker.  Yes, I can do different things within the same period of time, but when it comes to doing something absolutely excellently, I can only focus on one thing.  So far.  My next goal will be to learn to balance all important aspects of my life.  Right now I am just so desperate to complete my BA I can barely think of anything else.

I just had a vision of life being densely packed with many opaque layers.  I’m envisioning it as a sort of flower or fruit.  In this momentary vision, I saw a layer removed.  Age does this.  Experience does this.  In reflection it seems as though my person, my essence, my soul (however you wish to classify it) is born as some thick, densely packed object.  My goal is to reach the center.  That center, to me, is Enlightenment.  But there are so many layers to get through and they are all opaque.  I have no idea what’s in the center (Tootsie Roll pop jokes will be checked at the door, please) and I don’t know how long it will take to get there.  But I know there is an imperative for me to get there.  I don’t know if the imperative is natural/instinctual or learned and it doesn’t seem to matter.  I need to get there.

The path to get there is curious.  I think I am over the attempt to arrive there religiously.  As in through an established world/organized religion.  Right now I’d say I’ve got most of my eggs in the Academic basket, but part of me knows it’s not that simple.  I think  I will spend the rest of my life stumbling along, slowly uncovering layers until that final glorious day.   I  have this feeling that  I may only  uncover that final stratum on the day I die, because no human could continue living life as we know it once the truth has been unmasked.

I often wonder if all my contemplation is alienating me or bringing me closer to the human community.  When I am in social situations, which has become rare these days, I feel as though I am a spectator.  Have I already become the anthropologist, the ethnographer? Being an insider has become difficult.  I feel awkward as a participator at times.  I’m not there right now, mentally.

I feel like a balloon that’s lost its anchor to the earth and is slowly ascending toward infinity.  I wonder when I shall lose grasp of my corporeal vessel.  (I hope it’s not soon.)

Occasionally, I think humans are predictable disappointments.  But I want to focus on what I don’t know about us.  I’m really sick of the world the media glorifies.  And it’s no surprise I am so disappointed in humanity if what I see on popular tv/film/etc is a reflection of society or of its ideals.  I think that’s why I’m so drawn to Anthropology.  I have a desire to learn about cultures that aren’t my own and through the study of other cultures, I hope to understand my own better.  But it doesn’t just stop at culture.  I want to know why we are the way we are.  It’s a pretty lofty ideal.  Maybe I’ll never achieve it, but I think I’ll have some fun traveling on that road.

A Long Awaited Reflection?

Perhaps.

I’ve certainly not been writing like I once did.  I think a lot of what made my writing interesting (exposing my thoughts and views of the world, etc) has lain dormant for a while now. 

It was easier for me when I was still back here, in Atlanta, only working retail with nothing else to do to write fairly regularly.  Academia has proven to be quite draining and I am a bit hesitant of the upcoming year ahead.  I will be taking 18 credits in the Fall and Spring.  This will be my first time with such a course load. I managed Spring ’08 with 15 credits while maintaining a part-time job for half the semester; I think if I manage my time between classes responsibly, I can do the full course load.

As of late my posts have been mostly the thoughts of others and maybe a bit of commentary.  It provides a glimpse into my academic world, but reading all these textbooks and academic articles is exhausting.  I don’t really know enough about the world around me right now.  I don’t enjoy reading like I once did.  My thoughts do appear to be those of others because I’ve not spent enough time digesting everything.  It’s all still in the process of registering, but some things stick out.  I like to make note of what I want to apply to my own life.  I’ve been brooding a lot; I’m still here! But are you?  My hits have been dwindling, which is understandable because I barely write.  Shame on me!

I’ve been feeling pretty lonely and my old depression seems to be creeping in.  I have to be very careful of how I handle this because everything good in my life can easily be sabotaged by my own doing when I’m in such a state.  It is a very, very frightening thought for me.  Especially right now.  

I have little to no social life because I’m dealthy afraid of being careless with money (from bad prior experiences).  I have my need to move out of my apartment and find a new one (my lease will be over soon and I DON’T want to stay) just LOOMING over me.  I will be graduating in a year.  I have so many things I want to do in 2009 including spending some time with my family, reconnecting, and I’ve had some plans to move to Portland for a short while now to continue postgrad schooling.  Am I stressing myself out with no need? 

I want the company of friends, yet I desire to isolate myself.  I’ve never been one to have many friends, but with age, my circle of friends is shrinking.  I used to think that was what I wanted but I am questioning it now.  It’s come to a point where I have but one person I desire to go to when I want to talk about  what ails me or what brings me joy.  But where do I go when I’ve fucked that up?  It seems like I have nowhere to go but down. 

My Comparative Religious Ethics class from last semester has been incredibly invaluable to me.  I’ve never been so profoundly affected by a subject in my academic career.  I am spending much more time meditating on the Other lately.  People who I think of as different or opposing me in some way are being seen in a different light.  I have been given a tool that infuses me with compassion for strangers.  I think this is what I have needed to make progress on my goal. That goal that’s been hiding beneath the surface for a bit now. The major goal of connecting enemies into peaceful dialogue.  The goal I thought I would be able to reach through my studies in Anthropology and Religions. 

I am experiencing a moment where I feel things are coming together.  I’ve needed this.  I’m getting glimpses of a great future that will come finally from all my damned preparation!  Things seem to be jelling, but I can’t feel fully successful right now because something is wrong.  I’ve upset the most important individual in my life because I’ve just let myself go and not kept on top of myself. 

If you’ve been reading my blogs for a while now, you know I’ve had some trouble with discipline.  I once wanted to blame my parents for it, but I’m an adult now and I must hold myself accountable.  Whatever I feel I didn’t get in youth is no longer something they have to give me.  It’s something I must find myself. 

I’ve had an unpleasant 24 hours but it’s allowed for a lot of self-contemplation and reflection.  I don’t want to give up.  Not on school, goals, love, anything.  But I must get myself organized.  Wandering aimlessly never did me any good.  When I get back to Tampa I will use my Sunday assessing what I need to accomplish in my immediate future.  Heh, I even went to the lengths today of joining a health and fitness group at my university.  I have some bad habits I need to rid myself of, quite a few.  But I need to replace them with something positive so I don’t go mad.  I have to spend more time figuring this out.  Any recommendations? DON’T HESITATE TO ENLIGHTEN ME

I’m feeling as good as I can for having such a void in my gut right now. 

I only wish to share this life with the one I love most…

~ Best wishes to all

X.