There is no place to hide

FROM CHRISTIANS.

I wasn’t even hiding.

Today, after breakfast, I sat outside at a table and enjoyed a cigarette.  Once I finished, I got out my Cultural Anthropoloy textbook and pulled out my cell phone to keep an eye on the time.  I had about 45 minutes to read my assigned chapter and get to Russian class.  I knew I had plenty of time to complete the chapter and reflect because it was rather short.  16 minutes into my reading, an older gentleman walked up behind me and asked, “Studying hard?”  “Well, yes, of course.”   “What are you studying?” “Anthropology.”  “Ah, yes, the study of man.” “The study of humans,” I replied with slight disdain.  I attempted to get back to my reading, but I quickly realized he wasn’t going to let me after he sat himself down beside me.  Without even being polite enough to ask if it was available, might I add.  (The nerve of these people.  Their tunnel vision is so great that it depletes them of their ability to be considerate, polite, civilized individuals.)

But anyhow, enough of my bias.  Let’s discuss his.

He didn’t take long to reveal his agenda.  I felt it coming in the air tonight – or this morning.  He started his disjointed question by mentioning something about popular religions and conducting a survey.  I thought this might be fun and interesting.  I LIKE SURVEYS.  But then he segued (rather poorly) into something along these lines:  If you were standing before God, what would you say to avoid going to hell?

Whoa. WHOA.

(I KNEW I SMELLED A CHRISTIAN!@@#*@!)

What the hell?  Christ, couldn’t he have finessed his hidden (or not so) agenda a bit?  Is that too much to ask?

I get irked when people answer a question with a question, but he forced me to.

“What perspective are you asking from?”

“Any perspective”

“Uh, you can’t ask it like that.  Some religions don’t even believe in hell.  Some believe you can’t speak directly to God.  And others don’t even have a God or have more than one god.”

I could tell he didn’t want to say he wanted the reply from  a Christian perspective.   I pretty much had him fumbling all over himself until he asked another question about what my thoughts are on Jesus Christ.

I went on to say I think he was a charismatic, influential figure/prophet who will probably be remembered and written about for possibly several more millenia.

He didn’t like that very much.  He also didn’t like me comparing Jesus to The Buddha, Confucious, Martin Luther King, and he REALLY didn’t like me comparing him to the prophet Muhammad.

I started enjoying this conversation a bit, especially when he proclaimed Catholics aren’t Christians and that there’s is a religion unto themselves.  And he separated Protestantism as well, saying they believe good works get you into heaven.  Last I checked, that was reversed.

After getting under his skin some more he attempted to argue that Jesus is unique.  He is unique because he was the only one of those figures who said he was the son of God.  But he didn’t go far down that road because I think he realized that wasn’t gonna get me anywhere with him.  Unless he wanted me to tell him right then and there that I am Zoroaster reincarnated or that Jesus actually sent me, a hispanic female as his stand-in/understudy – Lawl (lol).

He at one point even asked me if I thought what Hitler did was right.   I don’t know where he was going with that, but that argument also faded as quickly as it was commenced.

After looking at my clock and seeing it was past 30 minutes after, I said I had to get to class because that bastard interrupted my reading.

He got up and handed me a cd.  He said, “Here, listen to this.  It’s about all the world religions.”

I looked at it carefully and read the text: The Uniqueness of Christianity.

“All religions?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, bye.”

I wanted to throw it inside the nearest receptacle, but something within me kept me from doing it.  My curiosity, I suppose.  I just wanted to prove him wrong.

I went to the library and started playing it.  I only got to listen to about 5 minutes but within those 5 minutes it was quite evident this was not an objective account of world religions.  The man speaking on the audio cd started his lecture stating that in regards to religion Christianity has no competition.  And that other religions are wrong and he backed it up (yeah right) with: In mathematics, there might be many ways to arrive at a solution that is close to the right answer, but there is only one right answer.  Uh…excuse me?  From what I recall, and some of you know mathematics isn’t my forte(pout), but there are many times when you can use different formulae/methods to arrive at the right answer.

I  quickly pulled the cd out and put it in my bag, satisfied with the knowledge that a Christian just pulled a car salesman lie on me.  But according to his beliefs, he’s still going to heaven.

Shame on him.

Humorous

I <3 wordpress’ blog stats.

I was particularly amused by the search engine terms used to find one of my blog entries: “rubbing crotch video”.  So, someone out there is searching for ‘rubbing crotch videos’ and I find this very amusing. 

Let’s take a moment and visualize what sort of person would run a search for ‘rubbing crotch video’, shall we?

…Think…

Seriously, imagine a figure and bring the figure to life with a cacophony of colorful adjectives, please. 

If so inclined, leave it as a comment. 
If you want me to like you leave it as a comment. 
If you’d like me to fantasize about having your babies leave it as a comment.
If you’d like me to manifest the proper member to impregnate you leave it as a comment.
If you’d like to see me disintegrate in a vat of acid leave it as a comment.

In other words, I’d like to see some participation.  Also, I’d like you to do it before reading mine so I don’t contaminate your thoughts with my own!

 Okay, here’s mine:

 It’s male, because I consider males to be far more depraved and corrupt and more likely to type something like ‘rubbing crotch video’ in a search engine (as opposed to the wholesome and virtuous female )

I would imagine him in his 30′s and definitely single.  He’s got what I kindly call ‘cul-de-sac’ head, which refers to the receding hairline of men (Think Hunter S. Thompson).  He also sweats profusely, is unkempt, and lives in his mother’s basement in a small town somewhere in the bible belt of the US. 

This man is a machinist with a severed thumb and last copulated with a female in his late 20′s (when the receding hairline was only minor and the thumb was more than a knub) after deciding to go to a bar with some work buddies.  They were both fairly drunk and she was rebounding from a 4 year relationship.  She was homely, which was par, but of course appeared more comely with each imbibed drink.  She asked if she could go back to his place, but he said his roommate had guests over, being too ashamed to admit he still lived with his mother.  So they walked to her apartment and fumbled inside, sloppily kissing and groping one another.  He flipped the light switch and she immediately flipped it off.  Casanova tripped, knocked her down and they decided the hallway would be the best place to commence this act of drunken fornication.  Neither of them had condoms and in their drunken and excited stupor, decided it best to fuck without protection.  The coitus lasted all of 2 minutes and Casanova passed out without even pulling out, not noticing she’d already been asleep for at least one-third of the act.   She awoke 4 hours later and pushed him off her with pure repugnance.  He eventually awoke, zipped his pants, realized she’d already gone, and he left for home. 

The following week he discovered something quite disturbing and to this day still resents her for never warning him of her unsightly case of herpes.  He regularly reenacts the moment they entered her apartment in his head and demands the lights stay on.  He’s a hermit and spends most of his time in the basement playing video games and perusing porn sites when not running searches on ‘crotch rubbing videos’. 

This man will commit suicide before reaching 40 by way of hanging.  Song most likely to be randomly playing on the radio during his suicide? Ironically, (I’ve Had) The Time of My Life by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes from the soundtrack to his favorite film: Dirty Dancing.

I’ve been thoroughly entertained.

What stereotype can YOU come up with and how detailed can you get?

Thank you and good day.