Procrastination

I’ve never been incredibly organized.  In fact, most of my life, if not all of it, has been disheveled.  The only order found within it is established by someone or something else: curricula, online banking, seasonal change, the solar system, menstruation (okay, that’s fairly erratic, too), alarm clocks, e-mails…

I have trouble focusing.  I should be studying for finals.

I haven’t done my best this semester.  I woke up two pounds lighter.  My mass seems to be disappearing, though it’s not really visible to me.

I feel so exhausted.  I have no passion for my schoolwork right now.  I feel like I’m wronging myself by not being passionate about such great subjects.  I’m learning so many great things but I’m not absorbing them properly.   I want to say I lost interest somewhere in the middle of this semester, but I fear it might have happened before that.  Maybe as early as last spring.  But there is nothing I can really do about it.  Next semester will be my most difficult load of credits.  It’s like I’m going downhill on a bicycle and my break pads are worn out.   I’m rushing toward the end I planned long ago, but I’m not in control right now.

I’ve heard of ‘senoritis’, could this be it? I’m not sure of its symptoms.   I’m struggling to find happiness elsewhere and it’s just not happening.  It feels like nothing’s right right now.  I want this winter break so badly.  I want to see my future lucidly.   My finish line is somehow blurred.  I had a plan for the summer of ’09, but now I’m not certain it will happen.  Other factors aren’t working with me, creating obstacles that will be troublesome to overcome.  Everything seems so easy when I envision and plan it, but with reality comes obstacles.

In an attempt to not be completely dreary, my savings account is growing.   There is something very pleasing about having reality align with one’s goals.  I hope my plans won’t be crucially altered for how it will be spent once I graduate.

The comfort of a security blanket is taken for granted with age.
In youth, one holds on to it so dearly, as if in every moment
there is a consciousness
of its importance.

With maturity, the tangibility of the material is reduced–
dulled by our neglect.
Perhaps this is a virtue, such as within a belief system like Buddhism
where detachment is lauded.
This is of no comfort to the rogue who is the affiliate of no one, organized system.

Where is peace to be found
if not within a mantra or a prayer?
Where is sacred space to be found
without encroaching upon the space of another?
Where is the holy to be found
when it is inconstant and ill-defined for one whose beliefs
are inconstant and ill-defined?

Perhaps it is not so tragic
to be like the shifting land masses;
to be like the tectonic plates, undulating
and grinding beneath the earth’s epidermis
giving birth to new forms,
proliferating the species.

Why then, is the inconstancy of human personality
illness
When the variability of our planet is prolific?

A Long Awaited Reflection?

Perhaps.

I’ve certainly not been writing like I once did.  I think a lot of what made my writing interesting (exposing my thoughts and views of the world, etc) has lain dormant for a while now. 

It was easier for me when I was still back here, in Atlanta, only working retail with nothing else to do to write fairly regularly.  Academia has proven to be quite draining and I am a bit hesitant of the upcoming year ahead.  I will be taking 18 credits in the Fall and Spring.  This will be my first time with such a course load. I managed Spring ’08 with 15 credits while maintaining a part-time job for half the semester; I think if I manage my time between classes responsibly, I can do the full course load.

As of late my posts have been mostly the thoughts of others and maybe a bit of commentary.  It provides a glimpse into my academic world, but reading all these textbooks and academic articles is exhausting.  I don’t really know enough about the world around me right now.  I don’t enjoy reading like I once did.  My thoughts do appear to be those of others because I’ve not spent enough time digesting everything.  It’s all still in the process of registering, but some things stick out.  I like to make note of what I want to apply to my own life.  I’ve been brooding a lot; I’m still here! But are you?  My hits have been dwindling, which is understandable because I barely write.  Shame on me!

I’ve been feeling pretty lonely and my old depression seems to be creeping in.  I have to be very careful of how I handle this because everything good in my life can easily be sabotaged by my own doing when I’m in such a state.  It is a very, very frightening thought for me.  Especially right now.  

I have little to no social life because I’m dealthy afraid of being careless with money (from bad prior experiences).  I have my need to move out of my apartment and find a new one (my lease will be over soon and I DON’T want to stay) just LOOMING over me.  I will be graduating in a year.  I have so many things I want to do in 2009 including spending some time with my family, reconnecting, and I’ve had some plans to move to Portland for a short while now to continue postgrad schooling.  Am I stressing myself out with no need? 

I want the company of friends, yet I desire to isolate myself.  I’ve never been one to have many friends, but with age, my circle of friends is shrinking.  I used to think that was what I wanted but I am questioning it now.  It’s come to a point where I have but one person I desire to go to when I want to talk about  what ails me or what brings me joy.  But where do I go when I’ve fucked that up?  It seems like I have nowhere to go but down. 

My Comparative Religious Ethics class from last semester has been incredibly invaluable to me.  I’ve never been so profoundly affected by a subject in my academic career.  I am spending much more time meditating on the Other lately.  People who I think of as different or opposing me in some way are being seen in a different light.  I have been given a tool that infuses me with compassion for strangers.  I think this is what I have needed to make progress on my goal. That goal that’s been hiding beneath the surface for a bit now. The major goal of connecting enemies into peaceful dialogue.  The goal I thought I would be able to reach through my studies in Anthropology and Religions. 

I am experiencing a moment where I feel things are coming together.  I’ve needed this.  I’m getting glimpses of a great future that will come finally from all my damned preparation!  Things seem to be jelling, but I can’t feel fully successful right now because something is wrong.  I’ve upset the most important individual in my life because I’ve just let myself go and not kept on top of myself. 

If you’ve been reading my blogs for a while now, you know I’ve had some trouble with discipline.  I once wanted to blame my parents for it, but I’m an adult now and I must hold myself accountable.  Whatever I feel I didn’t get in youth is no longer something they have to give me.  It’s something I must find myself. 

I’ve had an unpleasant 24 hours but it’s allowed for a lot of self-contemplation and reflection.  I don’t want to give up.  Not on school, goals, love, anything.  But I must get myself organized.  Wandering aimlessly never did me any good.  When I get back to Tampa I will use my Sunday assessing what I need to accomplish in my immediate future.  Heh, I even went to the lengths today of joining a health and fitness group at my university.  I have some bad habits I need to rid myself of, quite a few.  But I need to replace them with something positive so I don’t go mad.  I have to spend more time figuring this out.  Any recommendations? DON’T HESITATE TO ENLIGHTEN ME

I’m feeling as good as I can for having such a void in my gut right now. 

I only wish to share this life with the one I love most…

~ Best wishes to all

X.

I need a new goal

Any suggestions?

I still have my academic goals, but their lustre seems slightly faded with the cessation of last semester. They’re still just as important as before, but I think they have sunk below the surface of things so they may be a constant I am striving for in life, but not aware of at all times, like previously.

My flatmate, Max, trained for nearly a year and ran a 15K marathon in Tampa last Saturday. I imagine how wonderful it must have felt for him to finally have reached his goal. It made me want to run with him, though I doubt I could have made it one mile in my current state. I’m no longer as health conscious as I once was and it’s wearing on me. I am constantly tired and feel as if my energy is always spent. Though on what? I mostly sit all day. My diet is even worse, though slightly better than last semester. I have managed to cook a lot more as of late than just heating frozen foods (vomit). The drinking, well… The drinking is less beer and vodka, but more wine. The dye is horrible, but doesn’t give me headaches. I managed 2 bottles of wine in 3 days? That’s better than usual for me, I guess. I quite honestly don’t want to quit imbibing alcoholic beverages; I feel it links me to a certain subgroup I desire to be a part of. I just wish I were more productive whilst in the alcoholic delirium, instead of in constant want of communication.

I want to do some sort of volunteering work. I inquired last week with a group that works with the UN, but was turned off at the thought of having to pay so much for airfare to go to Africa just to volunteer in schools and hospitals. Does that make me a bad person? Someone either persuade me to believe it’s okay to pay a shitload of money out-of-pocket to go to some barely civilized place in AFRICA to work for free or tell me how to get my ass there for free. I’m willing to fly with livestock or sail with Pirate poseurs. I prefer the latter, though. Adventure+eye patch, please! Oh, and a liter of Rum, k-thanx-bye.

I’m parched.