After listening to the abominable, yet frighteningly catchy, “Buttons” song by the Pussycat Dolls one too many times I have been having visions of a dark, comedic music video starring none other than me. And the wretched dolls. And some proper Calvin Klein model for the finishing touch. Perhaps a pole or two, a sex swing, and a chair for good lapdancing measure. (Have I mentioned how much I hate the Pussycat Dolls and this song? Okay, good.)
I would let it begin like any other putrid MTV music video, the sluts around poles, on their chairs, dancing in that “come hither and rape my head” manner we all love so much that the idea is worth emulating 3958035 times by 3598358 music “artists” and still be successful enough for a nomination for TRL Dance Video of the Year award. With rhymes like “Oh, my baby’s sexy fo’ sho’. I had to have him when he walked in da do’” they certainly deserve what they have coming to them. Especially when they butcher the word business with ‘bidness”. Excuse me while I shudder.
I would let that “sexy mama” of a lead singer do her thing while I, dressed like satan’s little elf in red lingerie, matched the vertical sex moves of her backup dancers around her perhaps adding some jazz hands for effect around her pretty litty ethnic face, opening my cock-holster like the other dancers, in need of a large, bulbous member penetrating my head and salivating all over my phallic microphone. Still dancing around her I would lightly run the mic up and down her curvaous form, sliding it between her breasts suggestively and and right into her mouth, choking her whilst she is in the middle of saying “loosen up my buttons, babe”. The music continues to play since we all know they’re actually lip-synching and I proceed to loosen up those buttons with my spare hand and motion for Calvin Klein boy to come over and help me out. He sort of blinks in dismay with those vacuous eyes of his, but dollar signs show up on the lead Pussycat’s crotch and nipples and he cannot deny his place in the video. Yes, we nod and answer the lyrics that “we’re big boys” and I unzip my lingerie and show a 12 inch dildo the shape of George Bush’s head, equipt with Dumbo ears, and Model boy properly slathers her pussy with some Crisco I had hiding in my bra. She spreads her legs easily, they simply fall apart, and I slide my George Bush synthetic phallus right into her cavernous cunt. With an obnoxiously surprised face, I grap another pussy cat doll and shove her head inside this gaping snatch. Finally, a bit of traction. She passes out and I synch with the lyrics “I’m not ‘frontin’ anymore”.
Off to the sex swing where another pussycat doll had been giving an imaginary lapdance and I lock her in, unable to move, other than bouncing up and down and below her I place a set of fine cutlery, sharp ends up. Calvin Klein boy takes clothespins and spreads open her vagina and I bounce her with force up and down on the knives. Her blood leaking all over the stage, lead Pussycat Doll stirs and wakes up irritated that her hair is covered in blood. She tries getting up but slides around in the crimson puddle, emulating the Christina Milian video “Dip It Low” where she slides around in black latex paint. A group of men with erections surround her with their cocks pointed in her direction. Everytime she slides around they shove it in her mouth, her face frozen in that “come hither and fuck my face” expression.
The other pussy cat doll is still bouncing, though her body lifeless. I gather up the rest of the dolls and line them up. I pull an AK-47 from between my legs, Mary Poppins stylee, and proceed to shoot them all in the face, blowing their glittery makeup off into the firmament and the stunned audience, which are still bobbing their heads simultaneously to the beat in their seats. I finally get sick of lead Pussycat Dolls facefucking, grab a butchers knife and hack away at her breasts, crotch, and head. The other dolls come back to life and slowly come at me while doing their vertical sex dance and try to undress me. I scream and shoot at them again. Lead pussycat doll straddles my face, and as I vomit, she cums all over me. Klein model, feeling some sort of allegiance to me, grabs my gun and attempts to shoot her, but can’t figure out how and instead knocks her upside the head. She falls over and the headless dolls try to entice Model Boy by rubbing their bloody bodies all over him, he falls victim and becomes hypnotized. I gather my strength, pick up the gun, and shoot at them again. They all group together, surrounding me with their chairs and do an imaginery lapdance while leering at me and I finally take my gun and point it toward my aorta and blow myself into the audience.
The video ends with the Pussycat Dolls fucking every member of the audience, then sliding their putrid pussies all over the cameras, smearing their STD infested fuck froth all over the lenses, and opaquing the shot.
The end.