thoughts from this day, 2013

by jenkapotente

“If ever I had a sign from the universe or powers that be or whatever you want to call it (essentially it is a pattern I notice and choose to call it a ‘sign’) that I have neglected time and again for the entirety of my life, it seems, is that I do not act quickly enough or at all on ideas. And this lag is costly at times and saves me at others. And once again all I know is that I know nothing. Welcome new climate. Welcome new season. Welcome inherent global change. I am a peon in the works of it all and yet I still vie for some sort of control in these matters of existence in order to gain some bit of individual happiness that I cannot fathom to matter at all, ultimately, and yet may matter imperatively if this system were progressing toward the imagined ‘good’ people tend to accept as truth, however that particular truth may take shape…

turning mind off for a bit now.”

…

It’s interesting to peruse writings of old, thoughts of old, and contemplate the changes one has made over time.  In reading this old bit I see my mental health quandary and recall how murky everything was and am able to recognize how simple everything has now become.  I want to delineate a year or specific time during which everything changed, but that’s not so clear in retrospect.  In retrospect it has all been gradual yet fluid in transformation. The memory softens edges.  It was likely jagged and a little disjointed as it all was taking place.  Maybe like the halting stops and jarring starts of an old, wooden rollercoaster.  I imagine it this way because I was strapped in to discomfort.  My melancholy seemed to consume me.  I was dissatisfied and not doing much but riding it for most of my life.  I knew I wanted change but wasn’t going about it effectively.  How does one fix that? Meds didn’t help me long-term, but they treated the panic.  I knew I wanted more in life but didn’t know how to go about getting it.  The problem was the “it”.  If “it” isn’t clearly defined, how can one achieve it?  No wonder I was continually failing.  I needed a solution.  A solution more than “fix it”.  What I was lacking was “how” but the how cannot be estimated until “it” is determined.  Depression and poor mental health makes most ideas nebulous, so to escape the cycle I had to do something drastic, something jarring to snap me out of the stupor and awaken me to clarity.

My first big change was my career.  I didn’t have one at the time, not one I chose for myself, just one I got into out of convenience.  In making this change, I went into a debt from which I am still recovering.  Was it worth it? Yes. Heck yes. Because that is what started my path toward effective treatment of self (it just so happened to be through the treatment of others).  How wonderful is it to follow a path out of one’s own volition?  In taking this new path I invested in self-empowerment, something I lacked from habitually taking easy routes in life. But in saying this last statement, I recognize how troubling my perception of self has been and how it is the root, nay, bud of a self-imposed quagmire.

Did I just use “nay” in a sentence? Who do I think I am? Someone, apparently.  But this exemplifies my very problem: I want to be someone and I want to be no one.  I want to be no one because I aspire to humility and I want to be someone because I don’t want to be ordinary.  Can I be both?  The ongoing flux of self-denial and self-actualization make up the contents of my quagmire.  And it is an exhausting charade.  My solution has been in pursuing a profession that allows me both and, perceivably, this profession doesn’t tip the scales of sacrifice and power too much to one side or the other.  And I like that, because I’m drawn to balance just as much as I am drawn to sacrifice and power.

But what was that about perception of self being the bud of my self-imposed quagmire?  If the dynamic flux of self-denial and self-actualization are the contents of my quagmire, then flawed perception of self is the HOLE that holds them.  I don’t give myself enough credit but I can simultaneously allow an elevation of self to obnoxious greatness.  It is a mess that involves continuous troubleshooting.  In treating a broken perspective I have to dismantle the flawed perception from which it spawned (this treatment will have to address issues of “the grass is greener…” and “keeping up with the Joneses” type idioms, but I will have to write the novel on that later).  In doing this, I accept I am in pieces.  To become whole again I have to address misalignment and broken parts.

I am still working on aligning wants and actions and in the midst of this is the fight against distraction.  What is distraction but a manifestation of avoidance?  Is it laziness? Whatever it is, does it make it okay for me to engage in negative self-talk?  To be unkind to myself and the small choices I make?  What’s key there is “small”.  Avoidance of big/important things seems to lead to dissatisfaction and melancholy, so I must address them eventually or risk depression.  But putting myself down along the way doesn’t help me execute positive attainment.  This is one intervention I’ve recognized to be imperative in extinguishing depression.  And you’re welcome.  Feel free to Venmo me your gratitude.

My next big change was physical, and it’s still ongoing.  But I’m done writing for now.

on the road to enlightenment

by jenkapotente

Goodness, it’s been so long this box no longer even feels like home.  How could I have forsaken you!

I’ve been so focused in my studies I haven’t taken the time to reflect upon what I’ve learned.  I get so tired, mentally, I just want to waste my free time away on things that don’t involve much critical thinking.

I’ve been fairly isolated.  I ventured out with a couple old friends a few weeks back and partook in activities I had not done in at least a year.  It was very strange.  I did a lot of talking and thinking as I always did, but I felt uncomfortable.  I had trouble engaging my peers and I preferred writing my ideas out in general concepts. When I read what I’d written, it was pretty much a review of topics covered in my classes.

What I tapped into during this altered experience just reified how focused I am within academia.  Sometimes it seems like I’m one of those “all or nothing” people.  The more I know myself, the less it seems that I am a multitasker.  Yes, I can do different things within the same period of time, but when it comes to doing something absolutely excellently, I can only focus on one thing.  So far.  My next goal will be to learn to balance all important aspects of my life.  Right now I am just so desperate to complete my BA I can barely think of anything else.

I just had a vision of life being densely packed with many opaque layers.  I’m envisioning it as a sort of flower or fruit.  In this momentary vision, I saw a layer removed.  Age does this.  Experience does this.  In reflection it seems as though my person, my essence, my soul (however you wish to classify it) is born as some thick, densely packed object.  My goal is to reach the center.  That center, to me, is Enlightenment.  But there are so many layers to get through and they are all opaque.  I have no idea what’s in the center (Tootsie Roll pop jokes will be checked at the door, please) and I don’t know how long it will take to get there.  But I know there is an imperative for me to get there.  I don’t know if the imperative is natural/instinctual or learned and it doesn’t seem to matter.  I need to get there.

The path to get there is curious.  I think I am over the attempt to arrive there religiously.  As in through an established world/organized religion.  Right now I’d say I’ve got most of my eggs in the Academic basket, but part of me knows it’s not that simple.  I think  I will spend the rest of my life stumbling along, slowly uncovering layers until that final glorious day.   I  have this feeling that  I may only  uncover that final stratum on the day I die, because no human could continue living life as we know it once the truth has been unmasked.

I often wonder if all my contemplation is alienating me or bringing me closer to the human community.  When I am in social situations, which has become rare these days, I feel as though I am a spectator.  Have I already become the anthropologist, the ethnographer? Being an insider has become difficult.  I feel awkward as a participator at times.  I’m not there right now, mentally.

I feel like a balloon that’s lost its anchor to the earth and is slowly ascending toward infinity.  I wonder when I shall lose grasp of my corporeal vessel.  (I hope it’s not soon.)

Occasionally, I think humans are predictable disappointments.  But I want to focus on what I don’t know about us.  I’m really sick of the world the media glorifies.  And it’s no surprise I am so disappointed in humanity if what I see on popular tv/film/etc is a reflection of society or of its ideals.  I think that’s why I’m so drawn to Anthropology.  I have a desire to learn about cultures that aren’t my own and through the study of other cultures, I hope to understand my own better.  But it doesn’t just stop at culture.  I want to know why we are the way we are.  It’s a pretty lofty ideal.  Maybe I’ll never achieve it, but I think I’ll have some fun traveling on that road.