Lento e Largo

by jenkapotente

The ache of what feels like yesterday is still present in today. A memory sparked, a feeling resurfaces, strong as the moment of its inception, and my dignity is suspended…somewhere out of reach. To make a leap with intention to clutch is to admit desperation for a notion empirically approved by the world that conceived me…so long ago. A world I never fully set foot in, and yet, in contrast, I never fully immersed myself in any other.

I once pledged allegiance without question. And now, I just question. Where does critical thinking end? I long for the comforts of ignorance on occasions like this. I envy the one who is so secure in her answers, a question, much yet amateur analysis, crosses her mind not. I fear the simplicity of certainty is something in which I will never take pleasure again. My indecision is a handicap, and I feel handicapped by lacking the kind of plausibility structure or sturdy foundation others are provided through attachments to religion, science, government, media or technology. For none are enough to sate me. I am a vessel without anchor. And as much as I yearn for anchorage, I despise it all the same. Max Cohen took a drill to the part of his brain that drove him mad, and although it is unlikely I will ever have that brand of gumption, I fully sympathize with his action.

I have felt on the fringe of madness too many occasions to count. And the idea of just letting go has been one I have found comes accompanied by solace. This might be met with discomfort by those who attach a stigma to social suicide or the cessation of abiding by norms, but how many times has one fantasized about quitting–quitting a job, a marriage, a dynamic or relationship whose burden is more taxing than the fruits of inputted effort? The appeal that the release of tension has is in its relief. Do we not all seek relief in one way or another? What is relief? It is commonly known as the easing or alleviation of distress. For this to apply, we have to accept distress comes along with so many aspects of our lives, aspects we are not always quick to admit overwhelm us because we struggle to appear as though everything is under control. Why fool ourselves? Why take pride in truth and integrity when we lie to the point we are no longer aware we are lying?

What happens when someone abides by all the rules and stays within all the parameters set by that which governs us? For some it amounts to a penthouse, 5,000 luxurious square feet and a lush yard, a sexy sport coupe, bank accounts bursting at their seams, an ultimate power’s favor, a multitude of virgins, prime real estate in the afterlife or maybe just a meagre life without external hassle. The difference between me and the believer is that I ask (and am quite comfortable with asking): “What if this doesn’t pan out as planned?” You may lose your job, you may contract a life threatening disease, you may be sued or divorced and lose all your wealth, you may become the object of someone’s contempt, you…may…simply…cease…to exist. What then? Is this your test? How long will you reify the very foundations of your ignorance? Why is disruption to order stigmatized? Change does not have to be painful.
When you let go, you suspend yourself from the brunt of the opposing force.

Am I just addressing myself here? No and yes. I’m in the last days of my most recent period of inertia. And this morning I found myself with some trepidation after weeks and months of wanting and being eager for this change. It’s so close now; I can’t look away from it. I set a goal and I have achieved it. Years ago I learned setting goals and achieving them is all I need to keep my depression at bay. Before landing my job opportunity I was in a bit of limbo. I learned to release myself of a burden that caused me too much distress and I relearned to take care of my body and soul, but even then, it wasn’t enough to make me happy. I also learned gratitude; I learned to be grateful for the things and to the people in my life who aid and support me. While this brought about peace, it still wasn’t enough (though, for the first time, it was the closest I’ve ever been to enough). My idleness was eating at me, but this time I had very little control over my employment. And my tunnel vision for this one position with this one company really narrowed my chances at being employed, but after a few months of persistence, I finally managed an interview. And well, I interviewed excellently despite all my nerves.

So now, on the brink of being “comfortable”, I ask myself: Will it be enough?

My endurance will reveal the answer.

happy birthday mr. darwin

by jenkapotente

I was really excited when my Research  Methods class was dismissed early because I was able to catch the commencement of the Charles Darwin birthday celebration!

Dr. Madrigal, my Biological Anthropology professor from last semester, started off with a short address of the importance of evolution theory in areas such as the court room because of the now prevailing desire to see DNA evidence (even when irrelevant–thanks CSI!), pathogens, bacteria, bipedalism, increased cranial size, the human need for assistance during child birth (small pelvic opening vs. big fat meathead babies).

There was another speaker after her whom I am not familiar with but he spoke of Darwin’s biographical history.  It’s not so interesting the 4th or 5th time around so I got in line for cake.

The only time the celebration felt awkward was when they started singing Happy Birthday.  What about all the other great thinkers that had a part in developing the theory of evolution? Why don’t they get birthday parties 150 years later? I think they’ve been gypped. Gyped? (I shouldn’t even be using such a term–do gypsies still exist or is that just in movies and album titles?)

So, I got about 2 or 3 hours of sleep last night.  The air conditioning in my apartment was sucking pretty hard and I was in serious heat the whole night (not even the good kind ).  At least something I can look forward to is my weekend starting after class today.

Until then I have 2 papers to write.

Help! Grammarians, Philosophers, and general argumentative assholes!

by jenkapotente

Preface: I’ve already posted one, but in my Introduction to Religious Studies course we have to create one page arguments every week based on our chapter readings. Let me emphasize ONE PAGE, and I am having difficulty composing something sturdy within 250 words. I’ve always loathed persuasive essays and never thought I could excel in it. I actually hoped I could manage a handful of doctorates without ever having to compose one. HA. Jokes aside, any help would be appreciated–even if it’s just a link to a site that provides short, solid, ACADEMIC arguments. Actually, that might be preferred, because I don’t really wish to have my thoughts torn to pieces. I’m sensitive like that. I just reeeeally want an A in all my classes.

Also, my theses are inspired by the chapters and don’t necessarily reflect my actual beliefs. So, don’t go thinking I’m a nutcase if I ever say something silly at some point reminiscent to socialist and communist thinkers that have come before me (Though, I never claimed to be a Capitalist. Hmm…*scratches chin*).

CRQ 2: The Individual Versus Society

“Human beings are never just individuals; they always belong to something.”
Daniel L. Pals, Eight Theories of Religion

It is not difficult to agree with Emile Durkheim’s idea that every major enterprise of human life exists because of society when examples of humans belonging to families, villages, nations, political parties, or other groups are provided. The idea that one’s very own surname ties him to not only an immediate family, but an elaborate `tree’ of ancestors that generally grows more and more intricate with every passing generation expresses how no one person ever existed without those that came before him. Considering this, the idea of individuality becomes elective and egoistic—hardly vital to the function of the system which sustains the individual.

The pervasive Western ideal of individuality is corrosive not only to the progression of our society but to the progression of the self. A person
attempting to affiliate himself with the polar concepts of individuality and sociality simultaneously will be faced with some difficulty. One of the trends Durkheim noticed after the Industrial and French revolutions is in the area of personal affairs: “This new freedom of individuals released from their old frameworks presented great opportunity and great risk. With it came the chance of great prosperity and self-realization but also the threat of loneliness and personal isolation.”

Just like an entire life spent in isolation is deemed unhealthy by western standards, a life spent in aim to achieve goals that only aid the self is an unwholesome conquest. It takes at least two forces to create one life, and if that life does not wield those forces so that more than one benefits, then a portion of the provided energy is lost. That lost energy amasses with every life that follows suit and creates a massive waste. For a society or an individual to progress, it must build upon its foundation through technology, and that requires knowledge provided to it by more than what one person can accumulate on his own.