Lento e Largo
by jenkapotente
The ache of what feels like yesterday is still present in today. A memory sparked, a feeling resurfaces, strong as the moment of its inception, and my dignity is suspended…somewhere out of reach. To make a leap with intention to clutch is to admit desperation for a notion empirically approved by the world that conceived me…so long ago. A world I never fully set foot in, and yet, in contrast, I never fully immersed myself in any other.
I once pledged allegiance without question. And now, I just question. Where does critical thinking end? I long for the comforts of ignorance on occasions like this. I envy the one who is so secure in her answers, a question, much yet amateur analysis, crosses her mind not. I fear the simplicity of certainty is something in which I will never take pleasure again. My indecision is a handicap, and I feel handicapped by lacking the kind of plausibility structure or sturdy foundation others are provided through attachments to religion, science, government, media or technology. For none are enough to sate me. I am a vessel without anchor. And as much as I yearn for anchorage, I despise it all the same. Max Cohen took a drill to the part of his brain that drove him mad, and although it is unlikely I will ever have that brand of gumption, I fully sympathize with his action.
I have felt on the fringe of madness too many occasions to count. And the idea of just letting go has been one I have found comes accompanied by solace. This might be met with discomfort by those who attach a stigma to social suicide or the cessation of abiding by norms, but how many times has one fantasized about quitting–quitting a job, a marriage, a dynamic or relationship whose burden is more taxing than the fruits of inputted effort? The appeal that the release of tension has is in its relief. Do we not all seek relief in one way or another? What is relief? It is commonly known as the easing or alleviation of distress. For this to apply, we have to accept distress comes along with so many aspects of our lives, aspects we are not always quick to admit overwhelm us because we struggle to appear as though everything is under control. Why fool ourselves? Why take pride in truth and integrity when we lie to the point we are no longer aware we are lying?
What happens when someone abides by all the rules and stays within all the parameters set by that which governs us? For some it amounts to a penthouse, 5,000 luxurious square feet and a lush yard, a sexy sport coupe, bank accounts bursting at their seams, an ultimate power’s favor, a multitude of virgins, prime real estate in the afterlife or maybe just a meagre life without external hassle. The difference between me and the believer is that I ask (and am quite comfortable with asking): “What if this doesn’t pan out as planned?” You may lose your job, you may contract a life threatening disease, you may be sued or divorced and lose all your wealth, you may become the object of someone’s contempt, you…may…simply…cease…to exist. What then? Is this your test? How long will you reify the very foundations of your ignorance? Why is disruption to order stigmatized? Change does not have to be painful.
When you let go, you suspend yourself from the brunt of the opposing force.
Am I just addressing myself here? No and yes. I’m in the last days of my most recent period of inertia. And this morning I found myself with some trepidation after weeks and months of wanting and being eager for this change. It’s so close now; I can’t look away from it. I set a goal and I have achieved it. Years ago I learned setting goals and achieving them is all I need to keep my depression at bay. Before landing my job opportunity I was in a bit of limbo. I learned to release myself of a burden that caused me too much distress and I relearned to take care of my body and soul, but even then, it wasn’t enough to make me happy. I also learned gratitude; I learned to be grateful for the things and to the people in my life who aid and support me. While this brought about peace, it still wasn’t enough (though, for the first time, it was the closest I’ve ever been to enough). My idleness was eating at me, but this time I had very little control over my employment. And my tunnel vision for this one position with this one company really narrowed my chances at being employed, but after a few months of persistence, I finally managed an interview. And well, I interviewed excellently despite all my nerves.
So now, on the brink of being “comfortable”, I ask myself: Will it be enough?
My endurance will reveal the answer.
Jenka Potente's meandering mind. 
Jen,
In the recesses of mind, there’s place for comfort. An arresting quiet far more inherent than a crossed black book, a collider of mass, a man’s of promise of change and hope, excited sights or promised realities. Buried under our thoughts, it is the heart begging for more of my confidence and allegiance; that red is me.
A drill can make night of sky to shade clouds but drill to what? To the nil comfort of dirt-silence or to the integral structure beneath that is true comfort. And you are right, the journey there can be madness: the realization that real comfort does not come from the outside but from a drilling truthful peek of an inner red so desperately sought. Again right, you cannot fool-self with no self-said words or thoughts. And whats left beyond that but this feeling, the red?
I don’t know you well but I hope that your change and inertia are not steps towards a goal that’s further from this deeper redder self. From what you’ve said, I think you’re doing wonderful. If it places you on the brinks of “comfort” it is closer to peace and closer to the point of enough.
P.S. but why would we ever want to be at a point of “enough”?
I’m still in search of the red. Maybe that’s my journey, to find the red. Or maybe embrace the red. I’ll let you know if/when I figure it out. =]
I’d say those hours of focus were well worth the effort. You’ve not only touched on many concepts I’ve pondered myself — you’ve also shown me new angles on them. And you’ve sparked new questions to ask, as well.
I find it difficult to summarize the thoughts you’ve stirred up within the confines of this text box, so I’ll just say that I really enjoyed this well-written piece. You can be sure that I’ll be back to re-read it.
Once again, your wisdom and insight have widened my perspective.
Thanks for another thoughtful read with fodder to ponder. I had never thought about quitting being so similar to death, or quitting life, that is an interesting and valid point. I struggle with depression and never being satisfied as well, and I wish I could turn off all my questioning, especially when it crescendos into a throbbing roar. I am anxious to hear how the job is going and wish you the best. That is a testament to your persistence that you landed it;).
It’s life, and I never believe in a real contentment of everything, Hence, such trepidation always exists, and I find detachment, or less expectation over things very helpful. Nice food for thought.